001 | New Bark Town | Video;

[worktodo]

[Good morning, Johto! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have...what appears to be the rather dark and damp interior of a Poochyena's mouth, complete with glistening teeth and a tiny smear of drool at the edge of the camera feed. Not a very decent view, but that's okay, because there's plenty of audio to make up for that — and it seems we've tuned in right in the middle of some rather belligerent ranting...]

—ow what kind of game you're playing here, lady, but I have neither the time nor the patience to stand around while some overzealous kitchen marm tries to stuff me full of animal crackers and ship me off to elementary school. I want to know who you are, I want to know where I am, and most importantly I want to know how the hell you got me here to this godforsaken boondocks in the first place. I have plenty of work to do, and I do not have time for your inane prattle. Just give me some answers so I can be on my way.

[There is some background chatter here, which careful listeners may recognize as Mom's standard speech.]

Listen, June Cleaver, I'll make this very clear: I could not care less about these Puggymans you insist on rambling continuously about. The question is simple: where the hell am I?

[More background chatter! Are we sensing a trend?]

Hn. Forget it.

[Footsteps begin to tap across the linoleum, and in response, the camera begins to shake; evidently, the owner of those teeth is trotting over to give her own greeting to this rather angry newcomer to Johto. And it appears, when the footsteps pause, that he's just noticed her.]

What do you want?

[More shaking of the camera, and then suddenly there is bright light and a whole lot of twisting and rotating as the man apparently takes the Gear out of the dog's mouth and turns it over in his hand, twisting it every which way and tapping it as he inspects it. People who get motion sickness, this is really not the video for you.]

...what is this, a toy or some kind of Star Trek — HELLO.

[And hopefully no one had their volume turned up on their gear, because the man holding it is using his Outside Voice as he addresses the microphone that is apparently about three inches away from his face at the moment.]

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GOT SOME ANSWERS FOR ME, MR. SCOTT?

Comments

[audio] the tealest of deers

[tapestodiane]

<sub>[Dale Cooper had never actually expected someone he knew to appear in Johto. In some ways certainly because he was usually the singular person to which these things tended to happen - although he'd most definitely not been the only one with visions and dreams correlating to the supernatural or otherworldly, he'd been one of the few who had them with such regularity and clarity. And while being dragged into a completely different world was ... well, out of the unusual, it had made a strenge sense as time went on that he was there and not anyone he knew.]

[That's usually how it went, after all. How these things worked.]

[But naturally, Johto would always find ways to keep surprising him.]

[First with the regular missing three days, when he'd first met Audrey. He remembers it clearly, her presence and his followed bewilderment. And then, the third time, he'd met her again. She'd been different but still very much her, and as strange as it was to meet her after being away from Twin Peaks for so long, it had been strangely nice, oddly comforting.]

[Then, of course, there was last time. Two months ago. With Windom Earle and Albert Rosenfield. Cooper's still, at times, worried about the former; scared that he's actually in Johto, implausible as it is by this point. He would have said something, made himself known, sent a message and demanded the game to be continued.]

[Albert, though, he'd been sure would be there for just that window of time, the same as with Audrey. And the Little Man, when he also chose to make an appearance. The same as BOB, as worrying as that was. A glitch, as he'd learned to call it, something fractured in space and time that was momentary and unlikely to last.]

[Cooper is, of course, not quite himself right now. The fire simmering beneath his skin is palpable, but at least it's under control by now. He'd had a hard time with it, before, earlier -- had almost burnt himself out in the most literal of ways until he could get a painful grip on how to deal with the changes that had happened in him. And thanks to that, to everything that's happened the past few weeks, the many many things that's clouding his mind that he's trying to work out, just trying to work through, he almost doesn't check his gear today.]

[But he does, thanks to luck, fate, or coincidence (they're all the same connection that runs through everything, really, just known by different names), and it only takes him a second to recognise the voice rattling off on the other end of the connection.]

[Because Albert Rosenfield is nothing if not distinctive. His work is always precise and meticulous, his speech perhaps even moreso, sharp and scathing as it may be, but you can count on it to always have that certain quality to it: a superior condescending tone and the rhythm of impatience, speaking plainly of the attitude he carries and presents to others and hiding well the deeper philosophy that he chose for himself and that Cooper always felt was admirable.]

[Which can't be said so easily for his social graces, but coming from Albert, Cooper honestly wouldn't have expected anything less than the verbal abuse he's now listening to with a tired but bright grin.]

[He lets go of his many many thoughts for a little while, or at least most of them, to allow himself to just listen to the rant that he suspects will be one of all too many. Allows himself comfort from it, because while Albert is a great many things and isn't perhaps even more, he's someone Cooper considers a friend.]

[And that means a lot in a place like this. Even more given the situation.]

[Albert himself could probably use a friend himself, by the sounds of it.]

[Coop wastes little time connecting the audio. There are two reasons for that, one of which is his state, and the other being that Albert won't have to yell at the Gear if it operates mostly like a phone.]</sub>

Albert.

_{[And you know what? Getting to say his name is something in and of itself.]}

You don't have to yell. We can hear you perfectly fine.

[audio] gdi coop i don't care how teal it is i'm not catching that either

[worktodo]

[The hell is — okay, so it is some kind of Star Trek doohickey, apparently, or possibly some kind of utterly streamlined portable phone, except it looks like it's got a TV built into it too and —

You know what, forget it, because he knows the voice on the other end of this line and if anybody's going to have some answers, it's him.]

Coop?

[There are approximately a dozen questions all wrapped up neatly in that single incredulous iteration of the name: what's going on, where am I, what is this, why are you apparently on the other end of whatever the hell this gizmo is, and oh, lest he forget, why do you sound like death warmed over.

Because yes. He noticed.]

Hopefully you've got more answers for me than Betty Crocker over there.

[audio]

[tapestodiane]

_{[Of course he noticed. There are very few things Albert misses, and that's what makes him excellent at what he does. So no doubt will he miss the small smile in Coop's voice, too, because he hadn't realized how much he'd missed this man until he waltzed into his consciousness two months ago.]}

I do. But I suspect you're not going to like them.

_{[And it's funny, really, how that can make him feel positively gleeful. Albert's here, and he'll probably not be able to stand it, at least to start with. It's a weird sense of normalcy in the middle of everything that's happened lately.]}

[audio]

[worktodo]

Let me guess. They came to you in a dream.

[Because really, this is just what they need right now, Windom Earle on the loose and Coop's shooter still at large (and Coop insisting on pulling the beatific martyr card and absolving her of all her sins when Albert would like nothing more than to just go bag the bitch right now), and now on top of it he's in a house with Marion Cunningham and plucky music emanating from a source he can't identify.

Oh, and the dog, who at least seems to be well-trained, if the fact that it's sitting at his feet and trying to wag its tail while it's currently trapped beneath its butt is any indication.]

Start with the basics. Where am I, and where the hell are you?

[Video]

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

[And Cobra thought he was loud. Wow.]

Sssstop yelling! What is wrong with you? Are you trying to make everyone go deaf?

[Video]

[worktodo]

[Whoa, hello, who is this idiot in the mask looking back at him? What does he think this is, Halloween?]

What's wrong with me? I get picked up from a treehouse in the middle of nowhere and whisked off to what is apparently the one place in the universe that actually manages to outdo it in sheer idiocy, and you, dunderhead, you're going to ask what's wrong with me?

[Video]

[cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

[Okay, let him think about that for a moment.

Done.]

Yesss, I'm going to ask what's wrong with you! I don't care where you've been taken from or how idiotic thisss place is! At what point did yelling as loudly as possible into the PokeGear seem like a good idea?

[Audio]

[foolishwren]

<sub>[.... WOW, Mister, WOW.]

[Heather just sort of listens in quiet awe. It's fairly normal, she thinks, to have a brief, surreal and likely-aggravated conversation with 'Mom' upon arrival, but this guy takes it to new levels. It's probably a good thing you can't piss Mom off even if you TRY.]

[Evidently Albert's snark has won him Heather's attention, though, because of course she can't resist responding.]</sub>

Sorry, Kirk, can't beam you up right now.

Your voice is blowing out my speakers.

[Audio]

[worktodo]

[Which just goes to show that it is not physically possible to piss off Mom, because by god, if anyone could do it, it's Albert Rosenfield. Still, she's off cheerfully darning socks or whatever it is she does (he's not in the least bit interested in finding out), and right now his attention is on figuring out where he is and how —

Oh, great, someone else is talking to him now. Since when is this phone thing a conference call?]

A magical world full of dream-people and the most creative thing any of you can come up with to say is, "Gee, mister, you're loud." Color me impressed.

[Audio]

[foolishwren]

Once you've been here awhile, the sparkliness wears off.

_{[Yes, Albert, have ALL THE PEOPLE talking to you at once.]}

Anyway, point is, don't need to yell. We can aaaaaaall hear you and your delicate sensibilities loud and clear.

[video]

[no_ufo_ending]

_{[HEY THERE ALBERT have a scruffy-looking no good photographer cringing away from your loud voice.]}

Um. You're in a video game. Or something.

[video]

[worktodo]

[Ugh. Get a real job, you washed-up shut-in. B| ]

"A video game or something." That's great. You wanna tell me how to get my quarter back?

[video]

[no_ufo_ending]

It's not that kind of video game...but you're stuck here. For a while.

Action?

[punchandkiss]

Everyone can hear you.

[Hey look, there's a viking teenager standing outside near an open window, a skeptical expression on her face. She had been sitting outside when she'd heard the...commotion...and decided to take a look.]

The whole town.

Action! <3

[worktodo]

[Well, he might as well venture outside and see what's up; no point in standing around in Mom's house, even if the alternative doesn't seem any more attractive. His Poochyena at his heels, he pushes the door open and heads outside to get a better look at the owner of the voice from the window —

...Oh, you've got to be kidding.]

So who're you, the fairy princess?

Action!

[punchandkiss]

[Astrid actually looks down at herself at that statement. Leather shoulderpad, leather spike-covered skirt, big boots, leggings, skull belt. What.]

...Do I look like a fairy princess?

[video]

[exeggutorhead]

You should yell louder, I don't think everyone in the region heard you clearly.

But you're probably not going to get too many answers beyond 'welcome to Johto, here's your superpowered animal, go use it to fight other ones'.

[video]

[worktodo]

Congratulations, you've echoed every single other person who's turned up to talk to me through this damn thing and told me something I already know. Would you like to continue contributing absolutely nothing of value and go for the hat trick?

[video]

[exeggutorhead]

Well, you're a touchy one aren't you?

[Envy is already starting to not like this guy. He leans forward a little, resting his chin on the back of his free hand. It also makes it easier to see his eyes, which are currently a very odd shade of bright blue-violet, with pupils like a cat's; it's the only mutation he has that's visible at the moment. But then he shrugs, putting a smirk back on his face.]

I could tell you about using the badges to get home, but then again I do like hat tricks.

[Video]

[pianokeys]

Wel~co~me to Jo~hto!

[There's a very happy man with scales and blue patches, smiling in... a bit of a creepy fashion. It's not all perfect though, since he looks a little worn out and ill.]

'Though I'm not Mr.Scott. Sorry.

[Video]

[worktodo]

[And here's an unhappy man in a suit and tan coat having no baseline with which to judge the people he's talking to, so for all he knows they all just look like that as a matter of course.]

Oh, look. And now it's the head of the Lollipop Guild.

[Video]

[pianokeys]

Now I wouldn't mind that. Mmm~mm!

{AUDIO}

[bamfsecretary]

Sir, could you perhaps use a quieter tone of voice? You might find more people willing to help if you did so.

{AUDIO}

[worktodo]

Here's an idea: maybe if you and the rest of the chowderheads that are fixated on the tone of my voice could spare two brain cells to pay attention to answering the questions instead, we'd all get what we want a lot faster. How about that?

{AUDIO}

[bamfsecretary]

{Wow no this guys needs a huge fucking punch in the face.}

Well, sir, have you considered that perhaps being a little bit less abrasive and over-aggressive may in fact garner better results than simply being a loud-mouthed bottom-dwelling insult to humanity?

{Is it me or did the temperature just drop a few degrees?}