worktodo | 001 | New Bark Town

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001 | New Bark Town | Video;

[Good morning, Johto! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have...what appears to be the rather dark and damp interior of a Poochyena's mouth, complete with glistening teeth and a tiny smear of drool at the edge of the camera feed. Not a very decent view, but that's okay, because there's plenty of audio to make up for that — and it seems we've tuned in right in the middle of some rather belligerent ranting...]

—ow what kind of game you're playing here, lady, but I have neither the time nor the patience to stand around while some overzealous kitchen marm tries to stuff me full of animal crackers and ship me off to elementary school. I want to know who you are, I want to know where I am, and most importantly I want to know how the hell you got me here to this godforsaken boondocks in the first place. I have plenty of work to do, and I do not have time for your inane prattle. Just give me some answers so I can be on my way.

[There is some background chatter here, which careful listeners may recognize as Mom's standard speech.]

Listen, June Cleaver, I'll make this very clear: I could not care less about these Puggymans you insist on rambling continuously about. The question is simple: where the hell am I?

[More background chatter! Are we sensing a trend?]

Hn. Forget it.

[Footsteps begin to tap across the linoleum, and in response, the camera begins to shake; evidently, the owner of those teeth is trotting over to give her own greeting to this rather angry newcomer to Johto. And it appears, when the footsteps pause, that he's just noticed her.]

What do you want?

[More shaking of the camera, and then suddenly there is bright light and a whole lot of twisting and rotating as the man apparently takes the Gear out of the dog's mouth and turns it over in his hand, twisting it every which way and tapping it as he inspects it. People who get motion sickness, this is really not the video for you.]

...what is this, a toy or some kind of Star Trek — HELLO.

[And hopefully no one had their volume turned up on their gear, because the man holding it is using his Outside Voice as he addresses the microphone that is apparently about three inches away from his face at the moment.]

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GOT SOME ANSWERS FOR ME, MR. SCOTT?

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No. From asking around.

_{[Imagine that, Albert -- real investigative work, without visions or rock bottles to identify the facts.]

[It's been a while since he greeted a newcomer, now, but he still knows where to start and he gives the facts with practised ease.]}

You're in a town called New Bark. I'm in Ecruteak; that's about a two week hike on foot, which is the usual method of travel.

_{[He pauses, and remembers telling Albert this two months ago as well. His voice is a little ligher now than back then, because he knows that this time, it's probably not just for three days. And despite what this world has done to him, he can still find it within himself to be awed at the fact that that's exactly it - a world.]}

It's called Johto, Albert. It's a completely different world.

[A two-week hike on foot is largely irrelevant information, as far as Albert is initially concerned, because naturally Albert does not travel on foot, because that would be ridiculous. It's not until the second or third moment afterward, right about when Coop hits the part about it being a completely different world, that something goes click and Albert remembers that this is Coop, who details the exact contents of his lunch for his secretary with meticulous precision and delivers his findings in at least a reasonably straightforward manner. It's something that Albert likes about him, because Albert dislikes wasting time on pleasantries and fluff when they could be getting down to business.

But if Coop is describing his journey by foot, then that means one of two things: either Coop's doing one of his commune-with-nature things again and legitimately doesn't know how to get to the city he's in except by trekking through the woods like some visionary shaman in a trench coat (which isn't likely), or he's not giving directions of how to get there by car because there are no cars with which to get there.

And with that realization, Albert's day just got ten times worse.]

Thirty seconds ago we were standing in the hallway of the Sheriff's Department and now you're telling me I blinked and we're in a completely different world. What, am I supposed to click my heels together three times and send up a plea to the good witch of the north?

[Because if it were anyone, anyone but Dale Cooper telling him this, he'd have long since tuned it out...and yet...]

There better not be a yellow brick road and crowd of vertically-challenged welcome-wagoners when I go look out that door, Coop.

_{[It strikes Cooper as kind of funny, the way Carmen is fond of the very same metaphor Albert is now using.]}

It's not yellow bricks, but you'll find a path called Route 29 that leads through a forest to the next town.

_{[There's a small pause where he thinks about it, recalls his own journey through that forest. It had been cold and alien, but surprisingly easy to embrace. Then again, that was a thing Coop was notorious for doing, and he knew it. Knew he was often referred to as odd for reasons much like that one.]

[Albert will have a harder time with that. Will take a long time to even accept his starter, of Cooper knows him right. He'll have to ask about that later and consider ways he could help out (maybe ask Carmen to lend her Salamence so he could pick Albert up himself - it seems kind of like a good solution for everyone involved), but for now he understands the need for clarification and the most important details.]}

I don't know what caused us to wind up here, much less why, but trust me when I say that it's real.

We're just magically on some vision quest to this godforsaken — what did you call it? Johto?

[Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go. Bad enough driving for hours through the middle of nowhere to end up in Twin Peaks; now he's supposed to play Little Red Riding Hood en route to whatever is going to pass for civilization around here?

A path. He called it a path. Jesus Christ.]

All right. You've clearly got a far better idea of what's going on here than anyone I'm likely to meet in my current surroundings, and dragging it out of you in bits and pieces isn't going to do anything but waste time for both of us. Just give me everything I need to know to get the hell out of here and up to this...Ecruteak City, wherever that is.

That's more than a two week hike, Albert.

_{[He pauses, then makes a mental note to find Carmen as soon as he's walked this forensics pathologist through the basics.]}

I can probably pick you up, if you give me some time. _{[SURPRISE: INSTEAD THIEF GET. ...And then, a slow grin on his end.]} How do you feel about dragons?

Dragons.

[His experience in this place called Johto thus far is having the annoying effect of turning him into an echo machine. But seriously, did he just say dragons?

Giants. Dwarves. Dragons. Next it's going to be a fairy princess.]

I guess that depends on how tasty I look, doesn't it?

_{[Oh, he'll probably run into one of those sooner or later, too. Rapunzel was here once, after all.]}

Not really. The creatures here don't eat people.

_{[Creatures, not animals, which Albert is probably quick to note.]}

Only creatures I've met so far are Betty Homemaker in there and this mutt at my feet. Apparently "Mom" is a dog person.

[But, sensing her master's acknowledgment (AT LAST), the Poochyena yips excitedly and wriggles even more, trying to wag her tail despite it being otherwise trapped.]

Oh, don't you start.

It seems like this world thinks you are.

_{[He has to smile at that, too, because he has to assume this is a Poochyena, the same pokémon he had when he met Albert so briefly what feels like quite a while ago now.]}

That's your dog, Albert. We're all given a companion when we arrive.

Great, so now Toto's coming with me, too.

[Silently, the Poochyena hopes that is not actually her name. She doesn't feel much like a Toto, but of course her trainer would know best...]

Okay. So you're telling me I should just go find a hotel and stay put for the next...however long it's going to take you to go rent a dragon and fly down to whisk me and my pooch off on a magical adventure in dreamland. Does that about cover it?

Gandhina.

_{[He corrects almost absently. No worries, Pooch - Coop knows your real name.]}

There are no hotels in New Bark. I suggest you either make nice with Mom or find something to do outside.

_{[That this is his only correction naturally means that yep, that's about right.]}

[OH. YES. THAT ONE. THAT IS A NICE NAME PICK THAT ONE MISTER NEW TRAINER PERSON PICK THAT ONE PICK THAT ONE.

Meanwhile, Albert is trying to decide where the hell to even start with these latest remarks.]

...Did you just name my dog Gandhina?

[Evidently, we're starting with the most absurd first. ~~Funny how suddenly it's his dog, isn't it...~~]

_{[Of course it's your dog. c: it was a thing meant to be.]

[And so Cooper asnwers with the totally earnest tone of voice that means he's completely serious despite what he's about to say.]}

You did. In a dream.

_{[SO DID YOU MISS THIS GUY]}

[WHY DO YOU DO THIS. WHY.]

Dream-me's got terrible taste in names. You sure it wasn't a giant?

[WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.]

_{[BECAUSE ILY]}

Positive.

[COME HERE AND RECEIVE YOUR BROHUGS™]

Gandhina.

[He's just looking down at her as she sits there, wagging her tail excitedly.]

What if it's not a girl? Or did your dreams tell you it would be, too?

Yes.

In the dream you were here with her.

_{[He'd gotten to know her quite well, all things considered. And get reacquainted with Albert himself.]}

[And yet again, if it were anyone else but Coop...]

So what'd I do in this dream of yours?

[He's not saying he believes it. But Coop's dance on the rim of the volcano led them to BOB's host before, and maybe whatever prophecy he's coming up with now...who knows. Maybe it'll give Albert some idea of what he's supposed to be doing right now.]

_{[He frowns on his end - the details are fuzzy, especially when he's still trying to control a quite literal fire in his blood. But it comes to him slowly, and he says them out loud as they do.]}

You brought me chocolate.

_{[He sounds sort of bewildered at that detail himself, although still certain that it was there. Then, of course, is the most important thing.]}

And Gandhina hunted for owls.

Did I hide it in your locker with a note signed "Your Secret Admirer", too?

[He's just kind of shaking his head, and while Coop can't technically see that, he probably knows Albert well enough to suspect that it's happening.

A moment later, there's a faint sort of patting or tapping near the microphone, and after that, the soft metallic click of what is probably a lighter.]

So you're saying she's a bird dog.

_{[Frown. No, but...]}

I think you were searching me.

_{[... cause that doesn't sound odd at all. It comes back to him with sudden clarity though, the reason why, and he's quiet for a moment but decides not to let Albert in on Windom being there too - not yet.]

[Alright, bird dog, apparently.]}

I'm saying she's quite intelligent and that I believe the two of you will get along.

Searching you?

[Well, he's certainly not about to let that go. Searching implies looking for something, and his first thought is naturally that of a routine pat-down, but that wouldn't make sense (even so far as Coop's dreams ever do or don't make sense — and that's the thing, because even in all their absurdity, he's at least got a knack for dreaming in coherent narratives: she's preparing food, he took my ring).

He takes a drag on his cigarette and ponders this.]

What, did I think you were going to give me a Valentine back?

_{[He seems to debate this for a moment. It'd be easy enough to say that Windom Earle was in that very same dream - but quite frankly, it doesn't feel like the right moment to bring that up.]}

That's something I'd rather discuss between four eyes.

[And now more than ever, he wants to inquire, but Albert also knows how to read a signal when he hears it (particularly one coming from Coop) and reflects that the line they're on, space-age though it might be, also might not be a secure one. All right, then. Coop wants to tell him in person? They can leave it at that.

For now.]

Okay.

[But like the South, this is a topic that will rise again.]

How long's the flight in from Ecruteak?

_{[He appreciates that Albert chooses to let it go, momentarily though it may be. He knows it wouldn't calm either of them to let him in on the full story this early on, after all. For now, there's enough things to break Albert in on as it is.]}

No more than ten hours, I believe. You'll be spending quite some time in the air.

_{[And he kind of has to sound a tiny bit gleeful about that because he's Coop and also dragons.]}

001 | New Bark Town | Video;

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