worktodo | 001 | New Bark Town

[Good morning, Johto! Today, for your viewing pleasure, we have...what appears to be the rather dark and damp interior of a Poochyena's mouth, complete with glistening teeth and a tiny smear of drool at the edge of the camera feed. Not a very decent view, but that's okay, because there's plenty of audio to make up for that — and it seems we've tuned in right in the middle of some rather belligerent ranting...]

—ow what kind of game you're playing here, lady, but I have neither the time nor the patience to stand around while some overzealous kitchen marm tries to stuff me full of animal crackers and ship me off to elementary school. I want to know who you are, I want to know where I am, and most importantly I want to know how the hell you got me here to this godforsaken boondocks in the first place. I have plenty of work to do, and I do not have time for your inane prattle. Just give me some answers so I can be on my way.

[There is some background chatter here, which careful listeners may recognize as Mom's standard speech.]

Listen, June Cleaver, I'll make this very clear: I could not care less about these Puggymans you insist on rambling continuously about. The question is simple: where the hell am I?

[More background chatter! Are we sensing a trend?]

Hn. Forget it.

[Footsteps begin to tap across the linoleum, and in response, the camera begins to shake; evidently, the owner of those teeth is trotting over to give her own greeting to this rather angry newcomer to Johto. And it appears, when the footsteps pause, that he's just noticed her.]

What do you want?

[More shaking of the camera, and then suddenly there is bright light and a whole lot of twisting and rotating as the man apparently takes the Gear out of the dog's mouth and turns it over in his hand, twisting it every which way and tapping it as he inspects it. People who get motion sickness, this is really not the video for you.]

...what is this, a toy or some kind of Star Trek — HELLO.

[And hopefully no one had their volume turned up on their gear, because the man holding it is using his Outside Voice as he addresses the microphone that is apparently about three inches away from his face at the moment.]

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GOT SOME ANSWERS FOR ME, MR. SCOTT?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Neither! I am Cobra Commander, and as you'll find out, the penalty for mocking me is most severe!

Oh, you're the snake charmer. I should've guessed from the hissing.

I am not a ssssnake charmer!

[At least not in the traditional sense.]

Are you trying to get on my bad side? Because that's all thissss is doing!

Trying would imply it takes effort.

Ssssstop doing that! I promise you that you're going to regret thisss!

I already regret that you're wasting my time, pal.

Your time won't be the only thing wasted if you keep mocking me!

Here's an idea. Why don't you go practice walking without dragging your knuckles on the floor, and I'll get back to things that actually matter.

Stop insulting me! Do you have any idea what you're doing right now? If I were you, I'd apologize now while you ssstill have the chance!

I've got plenty of idea what I'm doing right now, pal. I'm wasting my time talking to some hissing half-wit who couldn't find his own head if it weren't attached to his shoulders. I have plenty of work to get done and none of it's happening by standing here listening to you flap your gums, so I suggest you either start spouting something useful or get the hell out of my way.

[Oh. Is it ranting time now?]

Lisssten here whoever you are! I am not a half wit! I’ll repeat myself sssince clearly you chose not to pay attention the first time! I am Cobra Commander and getting on my bad side is a very poor choice to make! Unfortunately for you, you chose to not only ignore my warnings, but to continue to insult and make a mockery of me! And if you want me to ssspout something useful, then let me give you some advice! That was the worst decision you could have ever made! From thisss moment on, you can consider yourself added to a very exclusive list! The list of people I will one day destroy!

[Not the Team Rocket list though. The much longer one he keeps listing those who have dared to insult him, argue with him, or just irritate him.]

And once you’re on that list, there’s only one way you will ever leave it!

Nice recap. What are you, some kind of comic-book villain?

[ALBERT, IF YOU ONLY KNEW.]

No!

[~~Yes. Also cartoon, video game, and live action!~~]

I am not some ssssort of comic book villain! What I am is the worst enemy you could ever have!

Doubtful. I've seen the face of my worst enemy, pal, and rest assured, he's a lot scarier than you.

I doubt that very much! Almost no one is worse than I am!

Listen, Private Windbag, you're not worth the time or the effort it would take to be afraid of you. You're a hack in a mask who's too caught up in his own ego to do anything but shout threats and waste my time. Now are you going to contribute something useful to this conversation, or would that be too taxing on the two brain cells you've apparently got left running the show?

That’s Cobra Commander, and I’m not any of that! And why on earth would I contribute anything useful to thissss conversation? All you've done is insult me!

Well, sometimes miracles do happen.

Even to people like you.

Not today they don't! You'll get no information from me! Ever!

Then get lost. I've got better things to do than stand around here listening to you heat up the atmosphere.

No! I refuse! I'm going to ssstay on thiss channel and waste your time! Forever!

[Because he hasn't found out how to hang up yet, right?]

You have fun with that.

[Okay, sure, Albert's from 1989, but that doesn't mean he can't figure out how to find and use a power switch with a little bit of effort.

BYE, COBRA.]

I will!

[Wait, is that dial tone? Did he just hang on up him? When did that happen?

How rude! Well, no matter what, Albert hasn't seen the last of Cobra Commander! Not by a long shot!]

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