worktodo | 005 | Saffron City

TESTING: VALIDATION

☉ SAFFRON CITY LABS ☉
1212 Amber Lane, Saffron City, Kanto
Audio: (555) 765-3666 — Text: (555) 756-6732
John Deerling, Ph.D., Laboratory Director
Toxicology Report
Report Issued: 10/09/2012 14:40

Patient Name: REDACTED
Patient ID: 20H914G
Chain: 421335
Age/Level: 30L
Gender: M
Species: PARAS
Workorder: 125781

Specimens Received:

ID: 001
Tube/Container: CLEAR GLASS VIAL
Volume/Mass: 5g
Collection Date/Time: 9/01/1989
Matrix Source: "STUN" SPORE

Positive Findings:

SEE ATTACHED SHEETS FOR DETAILED ANALYSIS

~
[It's afternoon waning toward evening in Saffron City, and at the moment Albert Rosenfield can be found in one of the city's small Pokemon parks, a briefcase stowed securely on a nearby bench and a pink rubber ball in one hand. With him today are his Scyther, obediently hovering near the bench and briefcase like a good underling, and his Poochyena, who appears to be more interested in the ball than anything else.

Albert, meanwhile, is spending the majority of his time giving the ball a series of thoughtful squeezes in his hand while he thinks, but occasionally rears back and lets it fly in a surprisingly graceful arc — at which point Gandhina unfailingly tears off after it, paws scrabbling at the grass and dirt as she hurtles off into the distance to retrieve her toy.]

The problem isn't going to be isolating it, it's going to be getting it to stick around long enough to do any good. However those mushrooms came about, evolution or divine design, you've got to give them some credit — we're looking at pretty nasty stuff here. Direct contact ought to be the easier of the two to handle, once we come up some way of making the neutralizing agent stick. Respiratory...unless you've got any bright ideas, we're gonna need a mask.

[At this point, Gandhina comes charging back with a now-somewhat-slobbery ball in her teeth, and Albert crouches down to retrieve it from her, but sets it aside and stays down to examine her adorable puppy muzzle and jowls.]

Hold still, you dumb mutt — you know, I was going to say it'd be a problem to cut off the use of your jaws with a rig like that, but anything that keeps you from picking up everything under the sun —

[Pleased by the attention and presuming these words of her master's are praise, Gandhina's tail is wagging at about a mile a minute.]

Dummy, grab the tape measure and toss it over here. Not the easiest task in the world without a set of opposable thumbs, I know, but hey, you're a bright bug, I'm sure you're up to the challenge.

[And then, as a Scyther leans over to retrieve the aforementioned tape measure, he abruptly notices that the Gear is on and quickly — and probably a little guiltily — shuts it off.]

~
[Later, a more intentional bit of commentary from Albert hits the network.]

So whose bright idea was it to hide all the tolerable cities on the other end of a six-hour train ride? Skyscrapers, business districts, a concert hall. Five minutes out of the station and I'd already counted eight coffee peddlers.

Now all that's left is to turn a corner and come across a bakery selling thirty-one flavors of pie, and by golly, we'll have ourselves the makings of heaven here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Normally, she'd back down after such a lecture. But when it comes to pokemon, IT'S ANGER-SHY.]

This isn't like our worlds, where other breeds of animals exist! It's a straight line of evolution and birth! She may be able to breed with other Pokemon, but until you actually know who her parents are, you have no right to decide where and what she came from! And she is doing her best for you and for herself! She is a young pup, and all young ones make mistakes! That's like telling a child they're stupid if they get things wrong right away!

And naming a Pokemon after an insult is the rudest thing imaginable! How would you like it if your parents named you Stupid or Ugly? Pokemon can understand human language, they know what those kinds of insults mean!

THE REAL DUMMY HERE IS YOU, MISTER!

[and after that, she inhales and exhales heavily. that took a lot out of her.]

[...Did. Did he just get chewed out by a little pink-haired girl whose maximum volume never appears to reach above "stage whisper"? Is that what just happened.

Why does this keep happening.]

He's the one who decided to answer to it.

[Really, he didn't so much...name his Scyther "Dummy" as he did just sort of say it around him a few times and apparently it stuck. Whoops.]

And what are you now, PETA?

[After a moment to catch her breathe, she is back into RAWR mode.]

That's not his fault, it's yours! You should take more consideration into how you talk around your Pokemon! And I don't know what a peta is, but I do know a mean trainer when I see one! I'll do anything to help poor animals, and that includes when a person is being very disrespectful to them! Think about it! That's a giant bug that can cut you in half! If he starts to feel you're not treating him right, what's to keep him from hurting you?

[Oh, boy. And now we've run the violence argument bell, which means Albert's off to the races now, too.]

Oh, so that's what this is supposed to be now? Not treat people right for the sake of being a decent person, not treat people right because social values hinge on it, now it's treat people right because if you don't, they might cut you in half. Friendship by coercion through threat of physical violence, yeah, that sounds real nice, princess.

Now you listen to me. I acknowledge that my methods and behaviors are unpalatable to a lot of people. I will gladly admit to a certain cynicism and loathing about this world, its structures, and the inhabitants of it. And if he or any of the creatures currently in my care feel compelled to succumb to their base instincts and come after me with violence in retaliation for what I do, I will gladly turn the other cheek because I believe in a higher standard of conduct and personal morality. But you will not stand there and lecture to me that these animals are mistreated. I reject wanton cruelty and nothing I say to them or about them is now or has ever been directed with the intention of debasing them, demeaning them, or humiliating them. My remarks are not ridicule. They are not scorn. They are not indicative of a lack of appreciation for their talents or an underestimation of their value as individuals.

The foundation of the code of values I choose to live by is love. And while I will acknowledge your right to dislike what I have to say about these animals, I will not stand by and let you perpetuate the insinuation that anything I've done has constituted mistreatment of them or that I do not love them.

[BAM.]

[There's a long bout of silence...

... And then a huge sigh of relief, of all things.]

Oh, thank goodness! You do care!

[...oh for the love of god.]

What?

Sometimes people are very hard to read. They may be mean to their Pokemon on the surface, but actually care about them. I couldn't tell if that was what you are, or you just didn't care about them. So now that I know which one you are, I feel much better about the whole thing. Though I still think name-calling isn't nice.

[He is just.

Silent.

Right about now.

Did he seriously just get psychoanalyzed by a girl who claims to be a pony.]

... Are you okay?

I'm not changing his name.

I guess I can't change your mind right away, but maybe you'll give it some thought in the future.

Yeah, and maybe I'll sprout wings and fly like a pegasus.

Oh, we don't sprout wings. We're born with them. Though there was that one time when Twilight used her magic to give our friend Rarity wings for a day...

[ /facehands ]

That was a figure of speech.

Oooh... I'm never any good with those.

Color me amazed.

005 | Saffron City | Video / Action;

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